


Couples Collide

by fem_castielnovak



Series: WORST HUNTING TEAM EVER [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Brokeback mountain - Freeform, Cowboys & Cowgirls, M/M, Reality TV, Rough Riders, Soulless Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 17:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5752504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fem_castielnovak/pseuds/fem_castielnovak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on blowjobcas’s prompt: supernatural au where everything’s the same except it’s presented as a dark comedy with team free will being composed of soulless sam, dean smith, and endverse cas.<br/>---------------------<br/></p><p>Dean and Cas go undercover as cowboys on a Reality TV game show</p>
            </blockquote>





	Couples Collide

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve only just begun to realize what a terrible mistake it was to use these characters for this particular piece

 

 

Dean is awoken by a pillow to the face and the covers yanked back.

“Pack up. Haunted Game Show,” Sam says. “We leave when Cas gets back.”

The motel door creaks open, “I’ve got the ID’s,” Cas calls out.

Sam turns back to Dean, “We leave in five.”

Dean lifts one of the eyes of his sleep mask and watches them putter around the room. He sits up and stretches, shifting the object on his lap. Taking off the mask he finds the projectile Sam had thrown at him. What he’d thought was a pillow was, in actuality, his empty duffle bag. His empty duffle bag which, when he’d gone to sleep last night, had still held all of his belongings.

“Sam where’s my stuff?”

Sam shrugs his shoulders.

Dean peers over the side of the bed to find what had been his bag’s contents, strewn about in a neat line as if dumped rather _ceremoniously_ at the altar of his bed, as an offering to the gods of Ways to Wake Dean Up and Make Him Annoyed.

Another projectile hits him in the face. One of the IDs, courtesy of Cas. Dean picks it up and turns it over in his hand.

“Ellis Del Mer?”

“That’s what I told them to write,” Cas remarks dryly.

“ _Ellis_?”

“It means ‘The Lord is my God.’ It’s also a variant of Elijah.”

“Uh-huh. And where’d you get ‘ _Del Mer’_?”

Cas shrugs, “No place in particular.” His nonchalance is particularly annoying this morning.

Dean eyes him dubiously. “And what’s your name?”

“James Wist”

“… As in … Jack Twist?”

Cas cocks his head and squints, “Is that a movie character?”

“Yes,” Dean nearly hisses, “Yes as a matter of fact it is.”

Cas shrugs again, “James was the given name of my vessel. It suits me.”

“And Ellis suits me?”

“I have faith that you can pull it off.” The longer Cas maintains the casual air, the more frustrated and distressed Dean grows.  Dean has only just woken up, after all.

“There wasn’t a better name? Maybe … Ennis?” Dean watches intently for a reaction.

“I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Dean fights the covers, making a valiant effort at kicking them off of his legs. He scrambles to stand once he’s untangled. He shoves a finger in Cas’s face, “Don’t bullshit me. What, did you watch _Brokeback_ last night? Or are you just trying to drive me nuts by referencing it and faking that you don’t know?”

“They’re _names_.”

“Is this some weird fetish for you?”

“Dean, it seems to me like you’re fixated on the movie.”

“There a reason for that?” Sam pipes up snidely.

“Well what does your ID say? Elma? Lauren Oldsome?”

“I don’t get an ID because I don’t need one. But thanks for the female love-interest status.” He stands and crosses the room, bag in hand, “I’m just backup. You two are the ones going under cover.” He smiles sarcastically before he walks out to the impala.

“Under cover?” Dean turns to Cas accusingly, “As what?”

“I’m sure Sam will explain all the details in the car.” Cas brushes past him to get to the bathroom, “I advise you to get dressed and get out there before he decides to drive.”

 

 

 “A _couples’_ retreat?!”

Sam had decided to drive since Dean took more than five minutes getting dressed and repacking his entire bag. Therefore, Dean is forced to yell this while leaning forward from the back seat, for maximum effect.

“A game show _at_ a couples’s retreat,” Sam corrects.

“And who’s playing the couple?” Dean asks through gritted teeth. He knows the answer but he’s going to make them explain themselves.

“We are of course,” Cas says, leaning over to whisper in Dean’s ear, “Why else would just the two of get the matching ID’s?”

Dean jerks back, wiping his ear where Cas’s breath tickled it.

“Our team name is the Rough Riders.”

“I’ll bet,” Dean snarks.

“Our cover story,” Cas continues, “is that we work on a ranch. You’re from Colorado, I’m from Texas, but we live and work in Wyoming. Our dream is to one day get a little ranch of our own down in Texas.”

For a moment, Dean is speechless. He turns to Sam, “Seriously, _nothing?_ This doesn’t seem familiar at all?”

Sam shrugs.

Dean goes on, “A gay couple … named Ellis and James … who are both cowboys …”

“Yes,” Cas says.

“You’re serious.”

“Very. The selection committee seemed quite interested in our professions. Sam and I both thought it was an excellent hook. It was likely the only reason we got accepted. We’re a replacement couple you know.”

“Yeah,” Sam jumps in, “the couple you guys are subbing for is the second couple to be seriously injured under suspicious circumstances. And get this, they’re filming on a location that’s supposed to be a haunted burial ground.”

“The other couple that was injured got back a few days ago so we’ll be the only new people. We’re supposed to try and earn as many points as possible because at the end of the show, the team with the most points wins.”

Dean sits dumbfounded, for the rest of the ride as his two companions continue to inform him of his duties.

 

**…**

“Oh good, there you are. I was beginning to get separation anxiety.”

“Would you quit already? There aren’t any cameras around to film your bullshit.”

Cas drops a hand to his shoulder, “Sometimes I miss you so much I can hardly stand it.” He says it so sickly sweet that Dean _knows_ it’s totally false.

“Get off’a me.” He jerks his shoulder to shrug Cas’s hand off but Cas gives it a squeeze before releasing him. “Erase the damn tapes would you?”

“I want to watch this one first.”

**…**

**Narrator:** “This week on _Couples Collide_ : …”

 **Narrator: “** Tensions spark early at the welcome dinner for the new participants.”

**Clip – Day 6, welcome dinner party**

_A small group of contestants stand near the window. Two are the new guests; **James** and **Ellis. Angelique** carrying around a shrimp cocktail approaches **James** and **Ellis**._

**Angelique ( _grinning)_ : **“So who tops?”

 **James:** “What a fantastically invasive question, Angelique.”

 **_Ellis’s_ ** _jaw tightens and he smiles placatingly._

 **James:** “Shall I ask what your kinks are or how often you and your significant other have sex?”

 **Angelique:** “Um, if you’ll excuse me I think I’m going to go powder my nose …”

 **_Angelique_ ** _awkwardly walks away._

 ** _James_** turns to the remaining members of the group.

 **James:** “Ever notice how a woman’ll powder her nose before a party starts, and the powder it again when the party’s over? Why powder your nose just to go home to bed?”

 ** _Ellis_** closes his eyes as if in exasperation, but appears to be holding back a laugh.

**...**

Castiel hums thoughtfully, “It’s not the best show clip I’ve ever seen but it is somewhat enticing. Let’s see what else they got.”  
He wiggles the mouse and selects another file to open.

**...**

**Day 7: Morning Session – Ellis**

_“So, this is a video diary I guess. I get the privacy thing but I’m not loving how small and tacky this room is. And that’s only because I’m used to wide, open spaces … ranch hand and all. *Ehem* Last night was nice. Everyone else is a week into the competition but they’re all being pretty good sports about us joining in._

**…**

“Wow, that was boring. This is supposed to be a reality game show. Can’t you even bother trying to make it more lively?” Cas asks Dean, who’s standing guard at the door of the footage and editing room. Before Dean can respond, Cas has already clicked on the next file.

**…**

**Day 7: Morning Session – James**

_“How did I like last night? Well, after the incredibly boring dinner with our incredibly rude co-stars, my boyfriend and I went back to our room and fucked each other senseless. Twice._  
We kept it short so we could make sure to be at our best game for today’s competition.  
I say this for the benefit of our competitors and potential questions from the host: Don’t _bother trying to guess who topped. Or what positions we were in._

_“Also, if someone could let me know the shows policy on recreational and/or medical marijuana use, I would greatly appreciate it.”_

**...**

“ _That’s_ how you do a video diary,” Cas says, scrolling through the files until he comes across another that piques his interest.

**…**

**Day 7: Competition, morning**

**Clark ( _in Host mode, using Host voice)_ : ** “For those of you who are new, Mondays are team-building days. Contestants are divided into two groups and each group must work together to complete the challenge. There will be one winner from each group.”

 **Ellis:** “I don’t understand; that doesn’t make any sens-“

 **_Clark_ ** _laughs loudly over **Ellis.**_

 **Clark ( _to Ellis and James)_ : **“You both look a little tired this morning.”

 **James:** “What can I say? We’re really living up to the team name.”

 **Ellis ( _visibly annoyed):_** “How many times are you going to use that line?”

 **James:** “As many times as it applies.”

**…**

“That challenge was so _easy_. I’m not going to sit through the twenty minutes it takes everyone else to do it when we made it in five. _Next.”_

**…**

**Clark:** “- are spending the night camping. You were each allowed to bring three items to the Romantic Campfire camping challenge. Let’s see what you chose.”

 **_Ellis_ ** _produces a ball of twine, and two extra blankets._

 **_James_ ** _pulls out a flashlight, a bag of snacks, and –_

  **Ellis:** “A _harmonica?”_

                **Ellis** looks incredulous.

 **Ellis:** “You brought a _harmonica?_ ”

 **James:** “How else am I supposed to serenade you?”

 **Ellis:** “How in the hell is a harmonica going to win this challenge for us?”

 **James:** “You’d be surprised.”

 **_Clark_ ** _moves on to the next group._

 **Ellis _(in a low voice)_ : **“No, I won’t. I’d be mildly annoyed if it _didn’t_ help us win it but either way I’m not going to be surprised. You’re going to find some stupid way for it to be useful. Probably throw it at a bear or something.”

 ** _James_** smirks and neither of them say anything further.

**…**

“Oooh,” Castiel coos, “this one’s titled, _‘Campfire Roast’_.”

He fastforwards through ten minutes of footage before dialogue starts.

**…**

**_James_ ** _playing the harmonica. The music stops suddenly._

 **James:** “You know it could be like this, just like this always.”

 **_Ellis_ ** _ignores him._

 **_James_ ** _tsks and sets aside his harmonica_

 **James:** “Are you going to pout the whole trip?”

 **Ellis:** “Are you going to keep quoting movie lines the whole trip?”

**…**

“Wait a minute,” Dean’s come up behind Castiel and peers over his shoulder at the bright screen. “That one’s titled _‘Scandal.’_ What the hell is that about?”

“Let’s just see.”

**…**

                _Perilous-sounding music plays in the background._

 **Narrator:** Who is the strange, tall man seen talking to Ellis through the fence?

                _Grainy footage of **Ellis** and **Mystery Man** beside backyard fence._

 **Narrator:** An ex-lover come to win him over?

                _Close-up footage of **Ellis’s** face_

 **Narrator:** An affair being hidden from James?

                _Close-up footage of **James’s** face_

 **Narrator:** Tune in next week to get the answers.

**…**

“How the hell did they get footage of Sam? And what does ‘perilous-sounding music’ actually sound like?”

Castiel shrugs, “Don’t know, don’t care.”

**…**

**Clip – Day 9, the patio, post-dinner**

**James:** “So stemming the rose is out of the question, then?”

 **Ellis:** “This isn’t a florist’s shop.”

 **_James_ ** _opens his mouth but **Ellis** waves a hand dismissively_

 **Ellis:** “ _Yes_ , I know what it’s a euphemism for.”

**…**

Castiel fast forwards.

**…**

**James:** “What are ya waitin’ for cowboy? A matin’ call?”

 **Ellis:** “That’s Laureen’s line. You can’t be Jack and Laureen at the same time.”

 **James:** “Sure I can; I can fuck myself, I can play two people who fuck each other.”

 **Ellis:** “You can _not_ ,” Dean says without an ounce of tolerance.

 **James:** “Well I can give myself a blowjob. That counts.”

**…**

Castiel closes the clip. “Why did they only get boring shots of you? Where were the cameras whenever I made you blush, or when you had an awkward erection?”

“There weren’t any!”

“Cameras? Yes I know,” Castiel feigns naïveté as he selects the next piece of footage.

**…**

                **Clip - Day 8, morning, timed challenge, mid-event**

 **James:** “You know friend, this is a god damn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.”

 **Ellis:** “This is ridiculous. We should be done already. Why is Sam taking so long on this one?”

 **James ( _mumbling slightly):_** “There ain’t never enough time, never enough … “

**...**

“Speaking of time,” Dean interjects, “We’ve gotta get going before the security guard gets back and before Sam wakes up alone in the back seat with a lump on his head.”

Castiel sighs as he ejects the disk, “It’s a shame these are never going to air. We were really very good.”

“Break it and break it _now_.” Dean’s tone and expression are unrelenting.

Cas tsks but holds the disk up for Dean’s benefit before snapping it in half. Dean nods in approval and turns to leave with Cas on his heels.  
He fails to catch sight of the ex-angel slipping a USB into his coat pocket. There’s no way Cas is getting rid of every copy of that precious footage.

**…**

Thankfully, Sam happens to still be passed out in the back seat, so there isn’t an angry yeti to deal with. He’d passed out when the angry spirit hit him over the head just before Cas could light the bones. Cas had done well when he and Dean were pulled off the bench to help Sam.   
It's been a long day but Dean can't quite tell whether or not he's glad that it's over.

Now that Dean is certain all evidence of their presence on set is erased (save memories), he feels comfortable hitting the road again. They’re escaping into the night, when there aren’t people to stop them or contracts obligating them to stay.

It all feels more peaceful than anything on set had felt. Despite how much Dean misses his office, after three days of living on set, the travel is a comfort.  
Dean turns to Cas and watches him looking at the scenery flying by. The road is clear and the moon is bright on the ex-angel’s face. He can tell Cas caught him watching because he turns to glances at Dean with vague confusion.

Dean snickers softly and shakes his head, turning back to the road.

“What?”

Dean inhales and turns to lock eyes with Cas.  
He shake his head again and nearly smiles; “I wish I could quit you.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Time skips? check  
> Unfocused plot? check  
> Late to the game? check  
> Terrible jokes? check (I mean, it's me. What else could you expect?)  
> I feel like I've truly captured the essence of what deserves the Bucklemming award. But we shall see ...
> 
> Direct from the IMDB Brokeback Mountain quotes page  
> Also please note how many of the lines from this movie that Dean could recognize [*cough* has memorized *cough*].
> 
> I don’t know why you'd be looking for an explanation when you're reading this series but this one in particular was created for the [ spncoldesthits January challenge ](http://angrysouffle.tumblr.com/post/135374175848/january-rules-reblog-this-post-to-enter-your)
> 
> Exits are to your left, your right, and your rear, restrooms are to the front, Kudos and comments are found below, and as always, very appreciated. Thank you for flying Air fem-castielnovak.


End file.
